I’m going out on a limb here, my friends, to offer what I believe are the five main principles of sex and intimate physical connection, based on my many years of working with individuals and couples on intimacy issues and sexual relationship.
I think these principles apply to straight and gay or transgendered relationships and that they apply whether you have been married 20 years or dating for 6 months. I’ll try to keep this short and sweet because really? I could write a book or two on the subject. Let me know your thoughts and if you’d like to learn more, perhaps a course can evolve to delve deeper. Pun intended.
Principle 1: Sex is energy.
You might recall my blog post from a while back about this principle. Sexual contact is an energetic exchange between spirits who may have known each other for a day, a month, or thousands of years. It’s way more complex than your parents or teachers have likely suggested. Sex is not limited to intercourse, of course, but when two bodies unite a series of energetic unions unfold that leave dramatic imprints upon our spirits that do – in my experience and opinion – last for lifetimes, ages, millenia. Those imprints can be released but only in intentional process.
Principle 2: Low vibrational energetic imprints between partners can diminish sexual interest.
Yep. You read that right: If you haven’t been feeling it for your partner in the bedroom, your energetic imprint or connection with each other may be impaired because of experiences you’ve had that undermine your spiritual desire to unite with that person. I’ve seen this in cases of infidelity, domestic abuse, and even childhood molestation that happens many decades before a partnership begins but leaves an imprint that becomes confused in the current physical partnership. Every contact with your partner (words you say, looks you exchange, ways you touch and connect with each other) either reinforces or undermines the sexual energy between you. To reboot this connection, you need to talk about your imprint, your engagement with each other and move in a direction that supports physical intimacy. That means nicer talk, more hugs, more appreciation and concern, less fear and anxiety, more foreplay, less emphasis on the outcome of sex (i.e., orgasm).
Remember this: No woman can feel safe surrendering her energy to a partner who scares her, doesn’t appreciate her, or makes her feel unattractive. And no man can feel safe surrendering his energy to a partner who makes him feel inferior, doesn’t show that she supports him in the world, or makes him feel insecure.
Principle 3: Hormones are hormones.
And if you’re not feeling sexually on fire have your levels checked. Peri-menopause is a real thing. And men lose interest because of hormone issues, too. Get a physical check-up, manage your hormone levels, eat well, sleep well, love well, and a lot of times awesome sex will follow.
Principle 4: Desire is a thing to be cultivated.
We are desirous beings. We desire people, stuff, experiences. Our souls long for connection. When we are in monogamous relationship, we fear our partner’s possible desire for another person because it undermines our sense of stability (well, for most of us). But if you can reframe desire – even sexual desire for another person – as a fire burning within that can be understood and channeled into energy directed at the current partnership, you’re likely to benefit from it. People freak out about porn. But watching porn in a relationship can stoke sexual fires. It can activate the kundalini and boost sexual fantasy that can support deeper intimacy in your existing relationship. Mind blown yet? Maybe so – but this is what I’ve seen with many, many people. Don’t fear your partner’s natural desires. Channel them, summon them, speak to them, and you can become them. Ask them what they fantasize about. And be ready to allow the answer.
Principle 5: You are still beautiful, handsome, amazing.
Know that and ask your partner to remind you of that every.day. Most couples I help have kids and feel like time has taken a toll on intimacy. “I don’t feel beautiful” and “I don’t feel wanted” are the statements I hear many times. Well, guess what: You are beautiful. You are handsome. You are a sexy thing. And don’t you forget it. Remind yourself, remind your partner, and remind yourself again. Don’t just say it – embody your sexy thingness. Tell your partner you need the affirmation as part of your imprint together. Needing affirmation isn’t a bad thing. It’s a human thing. Don’t you want to be told how delicious you are? I do, too. Well I am telling you here. Now go remind your partner to tell you, too. When you feel sexy, it bleeds out into your physical appearance and your energy.
There’s more to tell you. Sacral Chakra energy work opens the Kundalini, connects you with deep creativity which is (not surprisingly) connected to sexual energy. And stones help (sacral stones are orange -think Carnelian, Orange Calcite , Fire Agate) and oils help (Cardamom, Cinnamon). I sell all kinds of sexy products in my shop that help. Meditation helps, masturbation helps. But most of all – shifting the energy helps. One word, touch, feeling, connection at a time. Knowing how crazy amazing you are helps. Hearing it from your partner helps. Acknowledging your wild uninhibited sexy side helps. Mirrors in bedrooms help. Loving your body helps.
I hope this post helps. So it is.